in the end there seemed there was no room for me in your life, still i tried to change your mind
What are these thoughts i’m having? feeling alone? Not important? Not happy? Perhaps disappearing is the answer?
My life is full of emotions right now. My feelings are going insane, My mind races, I’m losing sleep, My life is completely meaningless. Well it feels that way any ways. I want to leave, just out of the blue get up and leave. Tell no one where i am! start over! My heart is broken and is a mess. Shattered! to a million pieces. My first love and My best friend have both decided to leave me. One has vanished into the darkness with no words spoken towards me at all. The other, buried…deep down underneath the soil that lies on this earth. Never to be spoken to again. Why do i do this to myself? I often go on her facebook just to reminisce the memories we had. As well as my first love. I think about him, constantly! everyday! every moment of the day! with no words to describe how much love i had for him! i still have. Despite the way he has treated me, Despite how much he has changed, Despite this all my love intensifies when my head goes through our memories. I wish i could just erase them, like deleting a picture off of a camera. One click and its gone! Forever! Why can’t my memories be like that?
My best friend….taken in a moment by a gun shot. The world will never know how i feel. Her death took place in September and to this day i feel alone. Although we talked when we could (which was on facebook and through texts) I still have those thoughts. WHAT IF? what if i could have saved her? What if i was there with her? could i have talked her out of it? possibly! why? why me? everyone i care for vanishes in the light. For example: My lover, My partner, My boyfriend.. Had vanished into the darkness with no words spoken to me besides “god! you’re beautiful and a kiss.” Perhaps that was our last and final kiss? no explenation as to why he’d never want to speak to me. He ignores me, he left me hanging. Left me to fend for my own feelings. Why when i decide to trust someone to catch me when i’m falling the hardest i end up falling on my ass! and my best friend, my soul sister, my family. Gone! Forever. Buried deep, deep underneath the soil that lay on this earth. Such a cruel world! such cruel people. Claiming they cared for her! Claiming they loved her. No one felt as much love as i did, as i do. I could not describe my heartache. I can’t describe my pain! my suffering. Am I suffering from depression now? I need answers. I have none. Just my thoughts. All i have are my emotions. I hate what i feel.